I was looking through sites about the colour-coding for terrorist alerts and thought that they could be made more user-friendly. Have a look at the suggestions below and see what you think about them. Some I've found on the net and some are my own variations.
GREEN: Low risk of terrorist attack. Go out for a walk. Talk to your neighbours. Smile. All is well. True Christians should pray for God to guide our bullets.
BLUE: General risk. Stay inside your gated community, make sure all your firearms are in proper working order, and listen to talk radio. Believe everything we tell you. If you do not live in a gated community, get a big mean dog. If you aren't at least half-W.A.S.P., ignore these instructions.
GREENISH BLUE: Threat level somewhere between Low and General risk. Public officials should review and update their emergency response procedures. Stock market decline poses risk to investors and the institutions that serve them. Do your patriotic duty and buy a high priced item. Preferably a car, if you can afford it, and maybe even if you can't.
YELLOW: Elevated condition! Indicates significant risk of attack. Increased surveillance of critical locations and rounding up of known troublemakers is suggested. Armed Christian men are strongly urged to form neighbourhood watch patrols to closely monitor local mosques, just in case.
YELLOW AND BLACK STRIPES: Killer Bee alert! We have definite evidence, which we can't disclose of course, that Saddam is breeding killer bees. Wear one of those odd looking bee-keeper's outfits at all times. Carry a tin pot of smoldering leaves with you. Rid your house of honey. This is serious! We mean it!
ORANGE: High risk of attack! Republican administrations should immediately enact any and all Shadow Government contingency plans on hand. Democratic administrations should stand by for orders from the Pentagon. You'll stay in your house if you know what's good for you.
PURPLE: Pagan attack imminent! Included at the request of Attorney General John Ashcroft, the purple alert indicates the presence of a larger than normal concentration of pagans, pro-choice extremists, university professors, atheists, topless statues or Satan-spawned cats.
RED: Severe risk of attack! The nation locks down from coast to coast. Mandatory registration of DNA and microchip implantation commences now. All surviving members of the Clinton and Gore families are rounded up by Freedom Corps Gruppen volunteers and brought to the White House, where they will be personally and publicly executed by Preznit Dubya, himself, because IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT!
PURPLE NUNCIO: Armaggedon imminent! All True Christians are urged to take to the streets, wear a smug smile and chant "Told you so! Told you so!" Atheists should be frantically trying to learn the words of "Jesus Wants Me For A Moonbeam." Pope issues blanket order of forgivness to those children who led priests into temptation.
SILVERY~GOLD: Pre~Rapture alert! Benny Hinn offers to relieve you of the burden of your superfluous and unneccessary material assets in a Pre-Rapture infomercial.
GOLD: Rapture alert! Those of you who know need not be told. Those of you who don't are probably better off not knowing.
BROWN: Time to buy adult-size nappies! Attack has started, and you will most likely die within the next few hours or days. Bush, sensing all that all hope is lost, decides to set off the entire US arsenal, taking the rest of the world down with him in a weeping spasm of murderous self-pity. Commence using nappies as the surface of the planet turns into to one vast incandesant glow.
BLACK: End of All Things alert! We will reach the black setting on the Terror Rainbow when every last human being on the face of the Good Green Earth is dead, finally ridding her delicate surface of this pestilence, this all-consuming, all-destroying plague that has beset the human race for countless millennia.
CODA: God shakes His head sadly and mutters "Mea culpa, Mea culpa. I knew I should have worn a condom that night".
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| ICQ 178011518 |
