A Condensed History of Everything

15,477,303,002 years ago (roughly) the Big Bang happens. Either God did it, which means that you can stop thinking about it, or it came about through quantum machanics. The 'God did it' option poses a whole host of problems, not the least of which is "who made God?" And don't try to get out of it by saying "God's always existed" because it just doesn't work.

5,000,000,000 years ago, our sun was born, throwing off giant balls of gas and prime elements that eventually spun into the planets which some people still believe rule our fates. Scientists say this might have happened because our sun may have overdosed on Mexican food.

4,000,000,000 years ago, our planet - formerly a boiling ball of toxic sludge and molten rock - began to cool and solidify. Vast plates of solid land formed over the entire surface of the planet, and water collected on the surface, forming oceans. If you'd invested in our planet at this point, you'd be a trillionaire by now!

3,800,000,000 years ago, the most basic forms of life come into being in the roiling electrochemical soup at the bottom of these newborn oceans. Indeed, these forms of life are so primitive, some of them even think Garfield is funny. 600,000,000 years ago, the entire surface of the planet is teeming with squirming, pulsating, primitive lifeforms, including the most basic forms of at least a dozen of the animal kingdom's main categories that are still present on the earth today.

450,000,000 years ago, the first plants successfully make the transition from ocean to land.

420,000,000 years ago, the first strain of cannabis successfully make the transition from righteous to chronic.

245,000,000 years ago, thanks to a gamma ray burst originating in our galaxy's core, the Permian mass extinction takes place, wiping out something like 96% of all life on the planet. This happens every 100,000,000 or so for a while. Don't ask why. Within a few dozen million years, the reptiles and dinosaurs are back, and they're really pissed off.

200,000,000 years ago, the gigantic landmass we call Pangaea is formed when huge volcanoes explode to the surface. The tectonic plates eventually settle into their current positions.

67,000,000 years ago, mammals first make the scene. Meanwhile, elsewhere, civilizations made up of creatures not entirely unlike us rise and fall. Xenu, the Space Overlord, enslaves an entire planet, brings them to earth and blows them up with an atom bomb that kinda looks like a DC-8 (at least, that's the story according to L. Ron Hubbard).

65,000,000 years ago, something bad happens. Something really bad. The dinosaurs are wiped out, and the only reason mammals survive is because they're tiny and thus can hide in crevices, find food in weird places and are willing to screw anywhere.

30,000,000 years ago, huge, primitive sea cows crawl out of the ocean and begin evolving into a creature we recognize today as… Roseanne Barr. Primitive apes appear in Africa… common ancestors to the rest of us.

5,000,000 years ago, primitive forms of humanoid break off from the evolutionary ape line, lose their hair and immediately begin to feel self-conscious about it.

3,000,000 years ago, the Ice Ages begin, heralding a time of advancing and receding ice that will carve the great lakes and turn previously impassable terrain in to nice, smooth grasslands, prime real-estate where humanoid evolution as cooperative species explodes.

2,000,000 years ago, primitive humanoids are living communally, making and using tools, using fire, and surviving as hunter-gatherers. Everybody looks like the guys from Oasis and smell like Greek wrestler's jockstrap.

THE AGE OF MAN!

500,000 BCE: Man’s ancestors split off from the evolutionary line of Neanderthal. Primitive man can now be found across Africa, Asia and Europe. Somehow, these primitive peoples manage to get through life without ever checking their e-mail.

400,000 BCE: The Earth turns into a steamy sauna. Europeans begin living in wood shelters, and using sophisticated weapons to kill big game Believe it or not, every single white person in the world is related to a single, solitary woman living during this time.

250,000 BCE: Early sea-going hominids reach Mexico after crossing the Pacific Ocean. Most of these intrepid souls are killed off, however, during a particularly nasty outbreak of Montezuma's Revenge, then known as "the killing trots" or "the apple fritters".

200,000 BCE: Early man starts wearing clothes made from processed animal skins. In reaction to this atrocity, some forward-thinking souls start up CETA (aka: Cavemen for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

128,000 BCE: Some early humans grow chins and start a religion devoted to chin-worship. This religion survives to this day in the form of the Young Conservatives.

100,000 BCE: Africans and Asians begin domesticating - and, let's be frank, eating and screwing - horses and dogs.

69,000 BCE: Humanity is nearly driven to extinction when a massive volcanic eruption envelops the entire planet in a gray shroud of debris, intensifying the cooling effects of an already-intense "Ice Age." Early man invents the ice-lolly.

53,000 BCE: Early man reaches Australia, and immediately drinks himself into a retarded stupor. Evidence is scant, but some researchers theorize that these individuals may, in fact, have engaged in strange rituals during which shrimps were thrown on the barbie.

23,000 BCE: Global sea levels are so low at this point in pre-history that primitive man could easily have made his way to every major landmass on the planet by walking.

8000 BCE: The beginning of the Stone Age... finally! Meanwhile, the Antarctic ice sheet begins to melt.

7500 BCE: Britain becomes an island. YIPPEE!!

6000 BCE: Some idiot paints graffiti all over a beautiful cave in France.

5000 BCE: Do you know your ABCs? The oldest alphabet known to man was created around this time in the middle east.

5792 BCE: God creates the Universe, according to the Bible.

4136 BCE: A Great Flood kills everything and everybody on the planet, according to the Bible. The only survivors? Noah, his family, and two of every animal on the planet, who all managed to fit in a great big boat. WOW!

4000 BCE: In Africa, man starts experimenting with metals. In the middle east, the first cities are founded, and constellations are first recorded. Some dude figures out that women can't have babies if men don't stick their "things" in them first. As a result of this epiphany, many matriarchal societies become patriarchal. YEAH!!! (insert image of fist pumping air here)

3000 BCE: The southern glaciers are done melting, and worldwide sea-levels have risen over 300 feet. All evidence of Atlantis's existance are lost. The Egyptians build the Sphinx and the Great Pyramid at Giza out of sheer hubris.

2000 BCE: Nobody knew who they were, or... what they were doing. But somebody in England managed to erect Stonehenge. Rock on!

1400 BCE: Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt in search of a homeland and bargains.

600 BCE: Money changes everything when people in the middle east start using coins in trade, supplanting the previous currency, which consisted of chickens, shards of broken glass, and huge piles of human faeces. Between 600 to 500 BCE: Buddha, Lao Tse, Confucius, Zarathustra, Orpheus, Pythagoras, and the Jewish prophets are all spreading their newfangled ideas across the globe. Some historians think this century is the pinnacle of human thought and spiritual evolution. However, any century without any game shows whatsoever can't be all that great.

390 BCE: Greek political and philosophical thought reach their zenith with Plato's Republic.

100 BCE: Astrology is invented. Stupid people the world over are intrigued.

73 BCE: Spartacus leads a failed slave revolt, inspires a pretty good flick.

4 BCE: Jesus of Nazareth is born. Seven days later, he's circumsised.

100 CE: The Italians lord it over the rest of the Western World from their stronghold, Rome. By this date, the Romans have paved 50,000 miles of road. Christianity - based on the teachings of a minor prophet who was maybe crucified by the Romans less than a century ago - is beginning to spread. This small cult will soon become the dominant religious and political power in all of civilized Europe, and leave its bloody indelible stamp on the entire world.

400 CE: King Arthur founds glorious Camelot in England, or so the legends say... except for the fact that the reality of the situation is a whole lot more filthy, miserable and dirt-encrusted than the legends suggest.

401 CE to 639 CE: So much stuff happens around the world that there really isn't enough space to tell you all about it. Islam is founded and expands like crazy. The Chinese keep inventing stuff. North American native civilizations - including some pretty impressive ones - wax and wane. Europe, however, stagnates.

640 CE: Christians begin their long legacy of book burning with the mother of all book-burnings at the Library of Alexandria in Egypt. More mathematical, scientific, medical and historical records are lost in this single act of ignorance than exist at all other points in the world at that time... combined. So the next time those assholes pass that plate in your face, instead of putting money in there, put an invoice for our species' millennia-long abject ignorance. A couple bazillion pounds oughta cover it.

876 CE: Some Indian invents the ZERO, making math homework even more difficult and frustrating. At this point in time, Christian Europe is home to the most degraded, least advanced, most backwards-ass civilizations on the planet.

999 CE: People freak out over the coming apocalypse of Y1K. Nothing bad happens, whatsoever. Go figure!

1000 CE: Strange days indeed. Vikings and Arabs and Jews mingle freely in the streets and marketplaces of Europe's major cities. The Turks are forging high-quality steel. Meanwhile, the Holy Roman Catholic Church is going through a period known as "the Pornocracy," during which time the murders, deviance, incest and freaky goings-on inside the Vatican would make deSade blush and turn away.

1044 CE: The Chinese are the first people to invent gunpowder, those clever sods! The city of Angkor in Cambodia is the largest city on the planet, with over one million citizens. Amazingly, despite their population, they fail to field a team for the 1049 World Cup championships.

1070 CE to 1300 CE - THE CRUSADES! Mucho slaughter, subjugation, rape, and pillaging... all in the name of God or Allah.

1300 CE: Gunpowder has found its way to Europe, and white guys exploit it to maximum effect: using canons to sink ships, knock down castle walls and expedite landscaping.

1334 CE to 1351 CE: Bring out your dead! The Black Plague spreads across Europe like a... well, a plague, really. By the tie it's done ravaging the continent, the Black Plague will have killed a full ONE-THIRD of the population here.

"NO! WE ROCK!" 1364 CE: Some Italian invents the gun. The very next day, some Greek thugs break into his convenience store, take his gun away from him and shoot him in the leg.

1492 CE: During their never-ending quest to get more spices and that silk, white people accidentally stumble across the Americas. Failing to notice that there are already millions of people living there, the Spanish, French and English decide to move in and start a New World. Slavery of native peoples and Africans in the New World begins pretty much the day we set foot in the place, and doesn't end until the 20th century is within spitting distance. The end result of this half-millennium-long occupation? The Bush family, ultra-sexy strippers from Quebec, and the KKK. I just hope that Columbus received a karmic spanking for not keeping his mouth shut.

1500s CE: The Renaissance and the Reformation! Big changes are in the works here. Western Europe slowly begins to shrug off the all-powerful influence of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Protestantism is born when Luther nails his manifesto to a cathedral door. European science, medicine and philosophy begins to catch up with - and, ultimately, surpass - Islamic efforts. Gutenberg creates the printing press, heralding the age of news-stand pornography. Leonardo da Vinci is widely recognized as da man.

1600s CE: The efforts of European science are finally beginning to bear fruit, despite religion's best efforts to snuff it. Copernicus and Galileo fundamentally change our understanding of the Universe, and Isaac Newton fundamentally changes the way we interact with reality. Medical science also begins to make great strides, with the first innoculations for smallpox appearing at the end of the century.

1700 CE: The Germano-Prussio-Austrio peoples react to the massive onslaught of change by, basically, going totally bonkers. They stay that way for centuries, despite the fact that they get their asses kicked over and over and over again. The Thirty Years War in Germany leads Descartes, Hobbes, Locke, Voltaire and Rousseau to ask some fundamental questions about human nature, politics and reality itself, ushering in The Enlightenment, perhaps the most crushing blow yet to long-standing traditional beliefs and systems. The ideas of human rights and representative democracy begin to take hold. Some thinkers begin to question the long-held belief in the duality of the universe (the experiential versus the true, hidden ideal). Hobbes even goes so far as to propose that human beings are, in fact, nothing more than complicated machines, our thoughts and perceptions nothing more than mechanical processes. Royalty and the clergy crap their collective pantaloons, and rightfully so. In reaction to these changes, Secret Societies claiming to be based on esoteric ancient knowledge passed down for eons - Rosicrucians, Freemasons, etc - begin to thrive and concoct conspiracies. I AM NOT PARANOID!!!

1776 CE: The American Revolution, ! That nation's founding fathers - Freemasons and Deists all, by the way - start a movement that serves as an inspiration to many other nations, including France. I include this here because it never fails to amaze me how many people don't know that this revolution inspired THEIRS, and not vice-versa.

1783 CE: Speaking of the French... it was around this time that the Montgolfier brothers invented lighter-than-air travel, using hot air and giant balloon-sacks. And so, after having travelled the seas for millennia, man finally takes to the skies!

1800 CE: After millions of years of evolution, the total human population on planet Earth at this time is estimated to be roughly one billion. Somebody finally figures out that nitrous oxide makes those amputations and full-plate tooth-extractions a whole lot easier to endure, although the Church will not allow it's use to ease the pain of childbirth.

1837 CE: The Global Village is conceived! Samuel Morse patents the telegraph, allowing humans to communicate with each other over vast distances without actually having to physically travel those vast distances. And you can bet your ass there was some hot and heavy telegraph sex going on back then, too. "..-. ..- -.-. -.- me, baby! ..-. ..- -.-. -.- me HARD!"

1850s CE: By this time, the Industrial Revolution is in full swing across the Western world. Cities are now teeming rat nests. People of all ages - including children - work ridiculous hours in horrible conditions, either labouring in hellish factories alongside gigantic, steam-operated, coal-fed machines, or down deep in the mines, digging up black poison to feed the metal beasts. Charles Dickens describes the result of technology on society as "Dickensian." The Irish Potato Famine causes a mass exodus to the New World, where they slowly begin to corner the market on policing, politics, and public drunkenness.

"Screw YOU, BUDDY! WE ARE THE ONES WHO ROCK!" 1860s CE: America goes through some rough days, but the good guys win, so it's okay. Slavery is finally eradicated throughout the New World. Meanwhile, in Europe, a monk by the name of Gregor Mendel stumbles across some basic genetic theory while trying to perfect the common pea. In 1868, Swiss scientist Friedrich Miescher discovers and identifies DNA, the building blocks of life.

1870s CE: Lots of real groovy inventions! The light bulb, the telephone, the refrigerator, and the vibrating dildo all hit the scene, changing the way we live, communicate, eat, and masturbate.

1890s CE: The Spirit of Wireless! The Universe in upheaval! Marconi broadcasts radio signals for the first time. Also in this decade, Einstein presents his theory of relativity, which will ultimately lead to the Atomic Age, and penicillin is discovered. People who catch gonorhea from their cousins rejoice (penicillin? relativity? get it? ...I know it's lame, but come on, it's 4.15 am and I can't think of anything better!).

At the end of the 19th century, there was a general feeling of optimism and good cheer in the air. Most people believed those writers and futurists who claimed that the 20th century would be one of great accomplishments and progress for the entire human race, and why shouldn't they have believed this? Science and democracy were spreading like wildfire. Significant political reforms were taking place with the goal of bettering everyone's lot in life. We were thought to be on the verge of a great human awakening on an awesome scale. But then, something went wrong.

1900 to 1909: THE MODERN AGE BEGINS!

The ideas of Einstein, Frued and Darwin begin to filter down from the ivory towers of academia and affect the way the common man sees himself in relation to others, and in relation to the universe. Collectively, their breakthroughs will send the 20th century careening towards dizzying heights and unbelievably tragic lows. Also during this decade, a new class of industrialists, oil tycoons and money men make so much progress, they threaten to topple the long-established elites of the West. Music, art and fiction all make quantum leaps in complexity and innovation, a double-edged sword that, while often leading to striking results, also ensures their decline in popularity. The entertainment industry is born as a byproduct of the harnessing of electricity. People flock to see "movies" and start buying recordings of their favourite music. The Wright brothers and Henry Ford introduce the airplane and the consumer-oriented automobile, two hyperevolutionary technologies that will help define the essence of the 20th century, as will a new byproduct of the processing of oil for industry... a little thing we call plastic.

1910s: For the first time in history, the crushing might of industry is unleashed against soldier and citizen alike. In Europe, this decade is one of total war. Powerful artillery shells hit their targets from so far away, people can't even see where they're coming from. Choking poison gas is unleashed on the battlefields, leaving the trenches filled with corpses. Terror rains down from far overhead as airplanes drop bombs on civilian targets. World War I is a meat-grinder, and it shocks the Western World into the realization that the times, they are a-changing, big-time. Meanwhile, in the East, a New Way emerges in Russia as the Royal Family is butchered and the Communist theories of 19th century philosopher Karl Marx are (sort of) put into practice. In the New World, the increasing influence of New Money leads to regulation and the breaking up of monopolies. This pisses off a lot of rich folks. At the end of this tumultuous decade, the harshly punitive Treaty of Versailles is imposed on Germany, basically insuring that the peace won't last.

1920s: In the West, the post-WW I world churns and stews. Militaristic nationalism begins to take hold in much of Europe. Bitter military men and the newly-poverty-stricken middle-classes see much good in the proposed applied mythologies of Mussolini and Hitler, who see in the growing movement of Communism the most dangerous of alternatives to their desperate situations. Occultism and Secret Societies flourish, influencing politics at the highest levels. Meanwhile, in the New World, a fundamentalist Christian movement slowly begins to blossom, but otherwise, things seem to be going great. The twenties are roaring, baby! Until the stock market crash at the end of the decade, that is...

1930s: A crushing depression, brought about by unchecked speculation and greed, grips the New World for much of the decade. FDR is elected, and promptly institutes the New Deal, a revolutionary set of social programs designed to ensure that citizens never again have to endure such extraordinary hardship. Keynesian economic policies are adopted. The elites react by attempting to enlist veterans to overthrow the government, a la recent developments in Germany, where Hitler's use of militias and veterans groups gain him the Chancellorship. As the decade advances, a blend of mystical and pseudo-scientific ideas about race and destiny coalesce in the German psyche, turning an entire people into a truly evil empire. In the name of a racially pure thousand-year reich, the Nazis are soon constructing death camps and exterminating entire peoples. They set about conquering Poland and moving towards Russia in a mad bid for territorial expansion. After all, they're gonna need lotsa room for when every SS officer gets his own little kingdom to run! By the end of this decade, most of Europe is gripped in total madness.

1940s: America enters WW II after Japan is forced to attack Pearl Harbor. War ends in Europe, and America transplants thousands of Nazi rocket scientists and intelligence experts to help fight the coming Cold War against the Soviet Union (their strongest ally in WW II), changing the political climate of the New World forever after. War in the Pacific ends when American scientists unleash the awesome power of the atom on two civilian targets in Japan. On a global scale, nothing will - indeed, nothing can - ever be the same again. Communism spreads to China, and the Soviets manage to get their hands on the bomb. Colonialism begins to unravel as previous superpowers become international irrelevancies in the shadow of the mushroom cloud, the 20th century's most potent symbol. Meanwhile, in the middle east, Israel is founded. In South Africa, a policy of apartheid begins. In this context, it's small wonder that George Orwell writes 1984.

1950s: In the New World, the new enemy is Communism. Senator Joseph McCarthy conducts witch hunts on national TV, dividing a nation. Meanwhile in Eisenhower's booming America, Disneyland opens, McDonald's is founded, Elvis introduces the world to Rock and Roll, the Soviets beats the US into space with Sputnik, and Fidel Castro leads a Communist revolution a stone's throw away from American soil. In Europe, America's generous Marshall Plan rebuilds a devastated Europe.

1960s: Again, in the New World (where most of the rest of today's goings-on occur), the CIA institutes a shadow government with hair-raising goals.
Sophisticated mind-control experiments are known to have taken place. Military men, prisoners, asylum inmates and civilians are given potent hallucinogens. Crazy stuff goes down.
In conjunction with Cuban exiles, the CIA attempts to invade Cuba and overthrow Castro, but new President JFK screws that up. Russian nukes arrive on Cuban soil, sparking the Cuban Missle Crisis. Mankind comes closer than it ever has or ever will to total nuclear annihilation. The Civil Rights act is passed. There is social upheaval as a generation embraces Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. JFK, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X and Robert F. Kennedy are all assassinated. The first stirrings of Big Trouble start brewing in the middle east as Israel kicks ass in the Six Days War. Thanks to the efforts of Nazi rocket scientists, man walks on the moon... And then there was Manson, Nixon and Vietnam. Peace and Love turn into Total Malaise.

1970s: Women, gays, and other minorities demand equality. A massive environmentalist movement begins in earnest. Abortion is legalized in America (it had been legal in most of Europe for decades). Under intense public pressure, Nixon pulls US troops out of Vietnam, and is then brought down by his own pro-active paranoia as the many scandals of Watergate come to light.
Religious fundamentalism explodes, globally. In Iran, the Ayatollah seizes power. At the Vatican, conservative Pope John Paul II takes over the seat vacated by the previous Pope, who was seen by the Church hierarchy as far too liberal, and who was probably assassinated. The pentecostal, evangelical and fundamentalist movements of the New World make giant inroads and gain much political power.
In Jonestown, Guyana, over a thousand American Christian fundamentalists commit mass suicide at the behest of their charismatic leader, Jim Jones... or do they?

And then there was Disco...

1980s: The Cold War gets even colder. Most people are certain we won't live to see the end of the decade. The New Religiosity gets its biggest boost yet when Ronald Reagan is elected President. Conservatism reigns supreme as deregulation and privatization are seen not as options, but as givens. Corporations pay less taxes than ever before, and weild more influence on public policy than ever before. AIDS ravages the gay population. Famine wracks Africa. The New World's conquest of space suffers a serious setback with the very public catastrophe of the Challenger Space Shuttle explosion. Towards the end of the decade, things aren't much prettier. In the rapidly crumbling Soviet Union, Chernobyl melts down and poisons an area of land the size of Sweden. In the New World, information about a series of covert, illegal secret wars starts to come to light, threatening to topple the new Republican guard. In Europe, the Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.

1990s: The New World continues to impose its New World Order at home and abroad. Former CIA cheif George Bush flexes his muscles and rhetoric during Operation Desert Storm, a total slaughter for oil. The Cold War comes to an end as the Soviet Union collapses. In Africa, hope and heartbreak as South Africa repeals apartheid laws, Ebola and AIDS ravage the continent, and the brutal Rwandan genocide takes place. The science fiction concept of Cloning becomes a reality. The Internet begins changing the way information works. Third world nations India and Pakistan get the bomb. Cults and militias and terrorists go crazy with a gas attack in a Tokyo subway, the Oklahoma City Bombing, among others.

Y2K comes and goes without even a whimper...

History Of The Future

2000 to 2009: In the New World, the New Millennium starts off on a bad foot when a rigged election puts an unpopular puppet of the military-industrial-intelligence complex in the White House. Citizens begin alligning themselves with sharply divided, aggressively antagonistic political factions. The dismantling of decades of social and civic progress begins with a wave of utility and infrastructure privitization. Hard-line Cold Warriors revert to a fortress mentality as an unprecedented military buildup begins, culminating in the creation of a vast, spectacularly expensive missile defense system that isolates the USA when every single nation except Israel withdraw diplomatic relations in protest.

In science, tremendous advances are made in pharmaceuticals, genetics, cloning and fuel-cell technology. The wealthy begin customizing their offspring as the masses realize that most of these emerging technologies will never filter down to them. Domestic terrorism increases exponentially. Multiple uprisings from both leftist and right-wing factions are quashed with brutal efficiency. There is a massive white exodus from Africa. Economically, at the end of the decade, the combination of social upheaval and the Internet Bubble finally bursting and Coke merging with Pepsi precipitates a Massive Economic Crash.

2010s: Amid a vast wasteland of abandoned factories and burning cities falling into total anarchy, the government of the United States willingly hands its responsibilities over to the military, which swiftly installs a new Constitution enshrining the sanctity of land owner rights. The elite of this New Perfect America shelters itself in fortified, self-sufficient city-states, regulated by a council of military and religious elders. Much of the nation's infrastructure collapses. The cities are left to rot, as libertarian cadres, anarcho-syndicalists, survivalists, armed religious cults and race-identity supremists fight over the table scraps.

One technology that manages to filter down to the masses is super-efficient fuel cells, which turn out to be ridiculously easy to make and put to use. This ushers in the AGE OF THE NEO-NOMAD. In England, the government collapses and members of the Royal Family are slaughtered in the streets as anarchists take over and begin a Squatocracy. By the end of the decade, the vast majority of Americans are either living in the wild, or on the ocean, which now teems with giant, floating communities made up of abandoned cruise ships and oil tankers. Canada and Mexico are annexed, and undesirables are deported to these new "Freezones."

The European Community, which has been instituting ever-more progressive collectivist policies since the turn of the millennium, watches on in amazement. Meanwhile, in the middle east, the Arabs and Israelis continue their tense standoff, neither one wanting to incur the wrath of the unstable giant of the West. In the span of ten years, Africa loses half its population to various new strains of incredibly virulant diseases, products of New Perfect America's secret genocide project labs. Russia begins making overtures to Europe. Isolated from their biggest client, Japan falls into societal and technological decay. The whaling industry is reborn.

AND THEN...

2020s: Suicide cults pop up all over the planet, as tens of millions choose to die rather than spend any more time in Hell, which they believe is seeping up to the surface of the Earth. India and Pakistan basically annihilate each other in the world's first total nuclear war. The Arab world decides it's now or never, and launch an all-out, full-scale attack on Isreal. The damage done is crippling, but Israel's nuclear retaliation is decisive. All the land between the Mediteranean and the Persian Gulf is turned into radioactive rubble.

In China, scientists figure out how to harness the awesome power of dark matter. News of this awesome new power source spreads, and Europe, Russia and China set their sights on Mars, creating a joint orbital space station for the construction of colony ships. By the end of the decade, after annexing South America without so much as a whimper of fuss, New Perfect America has also begun their Mars colonizing efforts. The second space race has begun.

2030s: Piracy runs rampant on the oceans, which are basically abandoned to the Neo-Nomads. The African Genocide comes to an end, as New Perfect America moves in and begins leeching the continent of its abundant resources. Europe is shocked by a series of sabotage attacks on their space program, including the destruction of a dark matter reactor that kills millions in what used to be France. New Perfect America is suspected, but nobody is willing to accuse.

Massive natural disasters plague the planet. Fish stocks dwindle to the point of extinction. The temperature skyrockets and the South Pole melt accellerates, leading to a rise in sea levels and an increase in massively destructive hurricanes, typhoons, floods and tsunamis.

On the last day of the decade, New Perfect America launches its Pioneer colony ship, carrying the first three dozen volunteers for Mars colonization. Later that same day, Australian astronomy enthusiasts discover a ten mile-wide asteroid they estimate will impact somewhere off the west coast of England in 2044. Still later that same day, as news of the asteroid spreads, The Big One finally hits California, sending most of the state sliding into the ocean in a volcanic holocaust that kills hundreds of millions. The resulting tidal wave kills every single human being within two hundred miles of the Pacific coast, and wreaks havoc around the world as the ripples circle the globe for days. Things are looking bleak, folks.

2040s: The planet chills in a vast volcanic ash shroud. Not a single Neo-Nomad colony survives the oceanic upheaval. Those on land who weren't swept away by the thrashing oceans slowly begin to starve. New Perfect America begins a mass evacuation of elites to their new and growing Mars colonly, where the first, tentative steps towards terraformation have begun without much success.

Europe concentrates all their efforts on their own space program, building a mass, orbital, biospheric holding station in two years, and setting up dozens of evacuation colonies on the moon. Meanwhile, China cuts off ties with the rest of the world and concentrates on preserving a nucleous of the human race on the planet. A vast, fortified, underground bunker is created, capable of housing well over two million people. Livestock and agriculture are moved underground.

Simultaneously, a ground-launched colony ship is prepared for Mars. On March 13 of 2044 - three days before the impact date of Wormwood, as the asteroid has come to be called - they launch for Mars. Catastrophe strikes. Due to an act of sabotage, the dark matter propulsion drive fails, causing the massive colony ship to fall back to earth, where it impacts directly above the vast underground bunker, which collapses when the the dark matter drive reaches critical mass, causing a 12 gigaton explosion that kills every living thing in a thousand mile radius.

On March 16 - The Last Day - things are strangely calm. People in what remains of Europe, China, Australia and New Perfect America bundle up and gather outside to watch the end of all things. Mars colonists and moon station evacuees watch the skies, waiting for the fireworks. Wormwood doesn't disappoint. Within an hour of impact, the entire surface of planet Earth is totally and completely sterilized of all life.

AND THEN...

2046: New Perfect America colonists on Mars discover a vast, underground lake of frozen water. They thaw it, releasing a previously undiscovered airborne Martian virus that kills every colonist on the Planet in less than a month.

2079: The last European moon evacuee - the last human being in the entire universe - dies peacefully in his sleep. He has been the sole survivor of his species for the better part of a decade. Nobody mourns his passing, and if, on the last night of his life, you'd asked him whether he had any regrets, he would have answered: "No."