Some Royal Absurdities

They Really Should Have Known Better

Queen Elizabeth I lost all her teeth because of her love of cakes. She spat a lot and loved swilling beer and was something of a flasher.

The French Ambassador reported that, during a private audience, she insisted on pulling open the front of her white damask dress so that he could see her belly button.

~ Mary Queen of Scots brought her dog with her to her own execution.
~ Queen Anne grew so fat that she had to be raised and lowered through trap doors by means of ropes and pulleys.
All her 17 children pre-deceased her.
~ Queen Christina of Sweden had a pathological fear of fleas and had a four-inch cannon built to shoot them.
~ The queen of Bohemia introduced the custom of wearing shoes with toes so long that the ends had to be tied to her knees to prevent her tripping over them.

~ Mary Tudor ~

Mary was stroppy, inflexible and as much fun to be around as piles and thought God had sent her to bring England back to Catholicism.

During her five years on the throne she:

~ Married King Philip of Spain and virtually made Britain a province of Spain.
~ Executed her predecessor, Lady Jane Grey and husband Dudley.
~ Set about burning at the stake as many Protestants, especially their bishops, as she could find.
~ Made Britain join in the Spanish war against France ~ losing Calais in the process.

When she died in 1558 ~ many believe of extreme grumpiness ~ Britain threw a hugh drunken party to celebrate.

~ Henry IIIV ~ What A Man ~

As all five of his childen from his first wife, Catherine, were girls and he fancied having a son (and a housemaid called Anne), he declared that the marriage was invalid.

When the Pope refused to sanction this he made himself head of the Church of England. His two main opponents against this ~ Bishop fisher and Sir Thomas More lost their heads.

He appointed Thomas Cromwell as Church administrater and "desolved" the monasteries, and took all the Church's assets. This became the beginning of the Reformation and anyone who didn't agree with Henry was called a heretic and promply burnt.

~ Wife No. 2 ~ Anne Boleyn could only give him another daughter so he charged her with adultery and chopped her head off. He was going to accuse her of being a witch because she had twelve fingers and three breasts, but she was convicted of adultery instead.
~Wife No. 3 ~ Jane Seymour she actually bore him a son but died in the process. He then tried to marry his sister's baby grand-daughter Mary, later Queen of Scots, but the Scottish nobles wouldn't allow it.
~ Wife No. 4 ~ Anne of Cleves "The Flemish Mare". The marriage wasn't consummated and he soon divorced her. He chopped off Cromwells's head because the marriage was his idea.
~Wife No. 5 ~ Catherine Howard ~ another maid. He soon got tired of her so off came her head, as well.
~Wife No. 2 ~ Katherine Parr ~ By then Henry was in a terrible physical state, with things to disgusting to relate. He died in 1547 and she survived him.

"Drunk as a Lord" is an expression directly attributable to King George IV. He was a gambler, spendthrift, womaniser and an incredible drinker.

He was so dispised by the British people that whenever he appeared in public he was surrounded by troops, who tried to catch the stones thrown at him.

When his wife, Caroline of Brunswick, refused his offer of ?50,000 ($75,000) not to come home, he had her barred from attending Westminister Abbey when they were both due to be crowned.

King George IV hated his wife, Caroline of Brunswick. When he was brought news of Napoleon's death, the messenger was not precise enough:

"Your Majesty, your greatest enemy is dead!" he announced.

The king replied "Is she, by God?"

As he neared death George IV drank gallons of cherry brandy and suffered delusions of having fought and won the battle of Waterloo.

His doctor, Sir William Knighton, advised: "His Majesty has only to leave off cherry brandy and, rest assured, he will gain no more victories."