S**T Happens
And How Different Beliefs Deal With It.
| Agnostism | I'm not sure about this s**t. |
| Americanism | Who gives a s**t? |
| Atheism | No s**t at all. |
| Avoidanceism | I'll take care of this s**t ... tomorrow. |
| Baptists | S**t happens. Can you say AMEN! |
| Calvinism | S**t happens because you don't work hard enough. |
| Catholicism | S**t happens because you are BAD. |
| Ceremonial Magic | I can make s**t happen |
| Christian Militia | If s**t happens, we'll shoot it. |
| Christian Science | S**t is only in your mind |
| Communism | Let's share this s**t |
| Confucianism | Confucius say "s**t happens |
| Denialism | What s**t? |
| Existensialism | What is this s**t anyway? |
| Fatalism | Oh s**t, it's going to happen! |
| Freudianism | S**t is a phallic symbol. |
| Fundamentalism | BIG s**t will happen..SOON |
| Hare Krishna | S**t happens Rama Rama |
| Hedonism | There's nothing like a good s**t. |
| Hinduism | This s**t happened before |
| Islam | If s**t happens it is the will of Allah. |
| Jehovah's Witnnesses | Let us save you from this s**t. |
| Judaism | Why does s**t always happen to US? |
| Masochism | Do s**t to ME. |
| Materialism | Whoever has the most s**t wins |
| Moonies | Only happy s**t happens. |
| Mormonism | If s**t happens you have two wives to blame it on. |
| New Age | Visualize no s**t happening. |
| Nihilism | After this, no more s**t. |
| Paganism | S**t is part of the Goddess too! |
| Political Correctism | Processed nutritionally-deprived biological output occurs |
| Procrastinationism | I'll take care of this s**t ... tomorrow. |
| Protestantism | S**t won't happen if I work harder. |
| Repressionism | I'll hold this s**t in forever |
| Quakers | No s**t here, please |
| Rastafarianism | Let's smoke some s**t. |
| Sadism | I hope this s**t hurts. |
| Santeriaism | S**t happens to your goat. |
| Satanism | Sneppah t**s |
| Scientology | Let us address these faeces. |
| Stoicism | S**t is good for me. |
| Seventh Day Adventists | No s**t on Saturdays. |
| Taoism | S**t happens |
| Televangelism | Send money or s**t will happen to you! |
| Vegetarianism | If it happens to s**t, don't eat it |
| Wiccanism | Oh s**t, got that spell wrong again. |
| Yawehs | S**t happens to white folks. |
| Zen | What is the sound of s**t happening? |
| Zoroastianism | S**t happens half the time. |
In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was on the face of the Workers. And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, "This is a crock of s**t and it stinks." And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke anongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And that, my friends, is how s**t happens.
Special High Intensity Training
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your Manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and your Manager shall be responsible for seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously, will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T). Since our Managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming, (D.I.P S.H.I.T).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T).
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)