Two cars were waiting in tandem at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them and go through the light. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yllow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams a stream of profanities and curses at the man.

The man looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.

After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

Then I noticed the: "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

So, naturally . . . . . . I assumed you had stolen the car."

WAS JESUS A BLACK JEWISH IRISH WOMAN?

Proof that Jesus was...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Suzie and Johnny

Little Suzie sat in front of Little Johnny in Bible study and this particular morning, little Suzie was having some trouble staying awake.

As she dozed off, the teacher asked her, "Who died on the cross?" As little Johnny poked her in the back of the head, little Suzie yelled out "Jesus Christ!" to which the teacher replied, "Very good, Suzie.

A few moments later, little Suzie was again dozing off, and as the teacher asked "Who created the heavens and the earth?" little Johnny again poked her in the back of the head. Little Suzy cried out, "God almighty!" to which the
teacher again replied, "Very good, Suzie!"

Once again, little Suzie began to drift off, and once again the teacher asked a question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 2nd child?" Little Johnny again poked her in the back of the head with the pencil, at which little Suzie yelled, "If you poke me with that thing one more time, I'm gonna rip it off!"

Misplaced Deity sought by Christians.....!

So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward...She takes my arm and with trembling voices she asks...."Have you found Jesus?" Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop

Now normally I just politely decline the sermon, and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the forth car to accost me in the last 9 minutes. So by now I'm beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if its not Christians it is the Jehovah's
Witnesses. Can asimple Druid get no peace?

So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic I reply, "You people lost him, again??"

The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I
might not be into being converted. I decide to not let her get going so I launch into a speech of my own...

"What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really..." I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can't even find!"

The poor woman looks stunned. This isn't going so good. Panicked she looks desperately to the car... Surely one of the men can help.... Undaunted I press on... "Maybe the problem is with you people... I mean Muslims never seem to loose there deity. Come to think of it neither do Jews, or Pagans of any kind."

I look at the man getting out of the car. He's all smiles. "I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake... What was that about... deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn't find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be... In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breath, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deit(ies)."

"Of course, you Christians aren't much fun..." I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words. "Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly He was Jewish. So if you are really so eager to find him..." I smile gently to soften theblow. "Check the nearest synagogue. He's probably in there. Also you folks should try and remember that this is America... Where freedom of religion means ALL religions."

Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop... No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven't found Jesus, but I haven't lost him either:)

Someone sent this to you because they believe no one can have to much Deity. It is a blessing in disguise. You can keep it to your self or pass it on. Oh, and if you've found Jesus, please get his face on the evening news A.S.A.P so the Christians can stop looking for him.

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Jehovah's Witnesses do not recognize each other at the porn shop.

---

Two Mormon missionaries were walking down the street when they ran into two Jehovah's Witnesses coming from the opposite direction.
The elders stopped, and one of the Jehovah's Witnesses said "we don't move for false witnesses."
"We do" one of the missionaries replied and they went around them.

---

Suing God

Anon

The Association of Trial Lawyers of America today announced that its members were collectively filing suit against God.

The suit names God as a defendant in a class-action brought on behalf of the human race. Filed in New York District Court, the suit includes the following allegations:

• That God did, knowingly and willfully, create an imperfect world, thus subjecting the defendants to virtually unlimited pain and suffering.
• That, despite incessant complaints and orders to desist from plaintiffs and their duly authorized representatives, God allowed human suffering to continue up to the time the suit was filed.

Plaintiffs also allege that they have exhausted various potential remedies prior to filing the suit. Attempted remedies have included, but not been limited, to:

• Worship of multiple Gods, also known as pantheism. Regardless of the Gods selected, results were inadequate.
• Sacrifice of both humans and animals. Fun, but only slight amelioration of pain and suffering.
• Trying to replace God with society, also known as Communism. Despite being tried in numerous forms by different countries all over the globe, results were uniformly dismal.
• Ignoring God. In its broadest form this included not only the idea of a deity, but also the idea of any moral standards; any distinction between right and wrong. Tested most vigorously in New York, LA, and Berlin. Plaintiffs found this route very profitable, and generally rewarding. Only resistance came from plaintiffs on verge of death.
• Suing each other. Again, fun and profitable, but essentially a zero-sum game. Once trial lawyers had taken control of most assets the zero-sum nature of litigation became alarming. In the end they realized that God was playing divide and conquer.

As very few suits have previously been filed on behalf of the entire human race, a number of technical difficulties have surfaced. First of all, there was the pronoun question. Having depositioned a number of priests, ministers, rabbis and other God functionaries, the attorneys concluded that God was most often referred to with a masculine pronoun. (E.g. In 'his' name.) However, in a friend-of-the-court brief, Janet Reno argued strongly that, regardless of whether God had properly fulfilled its societal obligations, it would be very wrong to think of God as a male.

The lead attorneys debated at length as to whom should adjudicate such an unusual and precedent setting case; no courts clearly have jurisdiction to try the Supreme Being. The United Nations was considered, as was the US Supreme Court. The UN was ruled out on the grounds that so many of its reigning authorities do not believe that such a thing as God exists, and frown on the idea of suing a non-existent entity. The US Supreme Court was approached, but couldn't tolerate the idea that some entity, a God for instance, might have powers equal to their own.

After much debate, the attorneys have agreed to have the case tried before a special panel of celebrities, the idea being that God is entitled to a jury of his peers, and, in the age of Oprah, celebrities are as close to deities as human beings get.

Bill Clinton will serve as God's defense counsel. Having gotten away with every conceivable offense known to man, he thought he might be able to give God a few tips.

Some of the defending attorney's jury choices:

• Basketball star Michael Jordan. Having obtained demi-God status himself, he's believed to be sympathetic to the problems of Godhood.
• Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, included in case God needs to borrow money from a juror to help with its defense.
• Madonna; still a God fan, despite a few deviations from her Catholic school upbringing. Also hoping to get one of the key parts in the upcoming major motion picture.
• John Travolta, who believes that anyone who could make a comeback from Saturday Night Fever owes God a big favor.
• Richard Branson, entrepreneur and adventurer extraordinaire. Branson says he doesn't believe in God, but, given his history of narrowly escaping death, he really should. An eternal optimist unlikely to convict anyone of anything.
• Ted Kennedy. Political history aside, he's keen to be on the good side of God, what with his brothers all falling by the wayside.

Al Gore will serve as prosecuting attorney. He's rumored to be especially anxious to question God regarding the six days thing, and whether that rate of production is connected to environmental degradation.

A few of his jury picks:

• Ralph Nader, who knows that God is just the tool of big business.
• Jesse Jackson, upset that his boss sometimes gets better PR than his humble servant.
• Hillary Clinton, panting to grill God about the unfairness of men being physically bigger and stronger than women. Also anxious to be on the opposite of any case in which her husband is involved.
• Shirley Maclean, who, in a previous life, was God. She's sure the current occupant is not as competent.
• Steve Jobs, still fuming over Microsoft's triumph over Apple. Convinced that if Gates could win, there couldn't possibly be a God. Or at least not a benevolent one.
• Fidel Castro. Empowered by his ability to maintain his rule over Cuba, he plans on taunting God.
• Rupert Murdoch. Anxious to put God away before he has to face judgement.
• Barbara Walters. Angry with God for his refusal to be interviewed.

The ATLA is seeking unspecified damages on behalf of mankind, including some special compensation for litigators:

• Acknowledgement that lawyers, not the Jewish race, are the chosen people.
• Modification of the free speech clause in the Bill of Rights to exclude lawyer jokes.
• The exclusion from any jury of anyone who believes OJ is guilty.
• That sympathy (especially the mindless, irrational, blubbering kind) replace faith as organized religion's highest value.
• That candidates to public office take the 'No tort reform' vow.

We'll keep you updated as the case, scheduled to go to trial in September, progresses. The latest development is that God is seeking to have the case thrown out, on the grounds that the "New York Times", the earth's paper of record, declared him 'dead' quite some time ago.

The Existence of Atheists

It has long been controversial whether or not atheists exist. Alleged proofs have been presented to show that there are indeed atheists, but each proof has been shot down. Some say that logic dictates the existence of atheists, while others claim that atheists are but a figment of the imagination, a dream or fantasy.

Now at last the issue can be settled. There are no atheists.

This conclusion is not based merely on abstract reasoning. To be sure, the argument put forward by Eric Hoffman and others, that there are no atheists in a foxhole and the universe is just one big foxhole, carries some weight, but it is far from conclusive. It is only through exhaustive empirical investigation that the non-existence of atheists has finally been demonstrated.

The main argument for the existence of atheists has always been the large number of postings in alt.atheism by purported atheists. Even the staunchest non-believers have been unable to deal with this apparent mass of evidence in any satisfactory way. But now the true story can be told: each and every one of the a.a. postings purportedly written by atheists has been produced by one of the following four people:

*Ms Greta Anriksen, 4002 Belleview Drive, Anaheim, CA.
*Mr Ulrik Deltmar, PO Box 205, Fenwickham, England.
*Mr Arnold Spender, 30 Woodward Street, Bodminton, NH.
*Ms Edwina Balder, address unknown, but located in Canada.

These four people are not atheists. Specifically, Ms Anriksen is a Roman Catholic, Mr Deltmar is a Presbyterian, Mr Spender professes a belief in the gods of Norse Mythology, and Ms Balder believes in every god there ever was. Their purpose in producing the "atheist" postings has been to promote and promulgate the myth of atheism, in order tomake theism seem more interesting.

Now that the question of the existence of atheists has finally been settled, alt.atheism will cease to exist within the next few weeks.

In conclusion, remember:

In thousands of gods we trust!

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in an academic journal.
His cooperative efforts have been limited.
Some doubt that he wrote it himself.
He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
The scientific community cannot replicate his results.
He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
He rarely came to class and just told students, "read the book."
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students.
His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed.
It was inconsistent and had many errors.
It was sexist.
It contained detailed sexual references
It contained descriptions of Satanic-like rituals and blood sacrifices.

Subject	Grade	Christ, Jesus H. Real name: Yeshua ben Nazaret
Art	B	Obviously has imagination and creativity. A good potter - a little primitive at times.
Combined Science	D	Lacks discipline. Constantly argumentative, even when the facts clearly contradict him.
English	D+	Cannot read/write. Not only does he speak in obsolete, ambigious languages but also seems intentionally vague and mystical.
Geography	C-	Top marks on 'Desert Lifestyle' speach but poor in all other areas.
History	A	Seems to already have studied ancient history, very good.
Humanities	D-	Student has not developed their opinions or morality, appears retarded.
Mathematics	F	Lacks basics. Cannot see that "3" cannot be "1" and vica versa. Refuses to accept anything other than 30/10 for the value of pi. Sometimes quotes Kings 7:23 and 2 Chronicles 4:2.
Practical Studies	D	Is sexist, and refuses to learn skills that he feels women should do. Cannot make bread to save his life! Keeps missing out the yeast...
Music & Drama	B+	A keen, energetic member of the choir. On occasions can be frighteningly dramatic.
Physical Education	C	Has fallen out with the Swim instructor. An investigation is looking into claims made by the instructor. Poor at teamwork.
Religion	D	Could not get over the immature statement that his Dad created the world. Refuses to consider other religious beliefs.

COMMENT: Jesus is at the center of more than a few gang-investigations, as he appears to be of considerable influence within popular, unstable and violent gangs. Violent towards those who disagree with him.