Workplace Truisms

To Err Is Human, To Forgive Is Not Company Policy

• ~ If the boss pats you on the back he's probably finding the best place for the knife.
• ~ Mother said there would be days like these. She just never said how many.
• ~ If you are good, you will be given all the work to do. If you are really good you'll get out of it.
• ~ Success is all a matter of luck ~ just ask any failure.
• ~ You are always doing some thing unimportant when the boss drops by.
• ~ Never ask two questions in a letter. The reply will discuss the one you're least interested in and ignore the other.
• ~ Faulty machines will work perfectly when the repairman calls.
• ~ Eat a live frog first thing every morning. Everything after that will be an improvement.
• ~ No one calls in sick on payday.
• ~ You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you dislike most.

Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all-nervous and give the wrong answers.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. Mating.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. ---Mark Twain

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ---Dave Barry

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ---Emo Phillips

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What is important is that you continue to do so. ---Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ---George Carlin

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. ---Ashleigh Brilliant

Always try to do things in chronological order; it is less confusing that way.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. ---David Letterman

Do not worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. ---Old Farmer's Almanac

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. ---Mark Twain

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night". ---Charlie Brown

• ~ The authority of a person is in inverse proportion to the number of pens they carry.
• ~ All time off and holidays create problems ~ except for your own.
• ~ You can go anywhere you want if you carry a clip-board and look serious.
• ~ If at first you don't succeed, try again then quit. There's no point in being obsessive about it.
• ~ Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it's not their own.
• ~ Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.
• ~ The person dealing with your problem will always be unavailable when you call.

• ~ Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• ~ There's never enough time to do it right the first time, but there's always enough time to do it over.
• ~ If it wasn't for the last minute nothing would ever get done.
• ~ Once a job is fouled up, anything done to correct it will only make it worse.
• ~ There will always be beer cans rolling about the floor when you give the boss a lift home.
• ~ The longer the job title, the less important the job.
• ~ The more crap you put up with, the more crap you'll get.
• ~ The last person to leave the firm will be held responsible for every thing that goes wrong ~ until the next person leaves.
• ~ Every thing can be filed under "miscellaneous".
• ~ All important letters will develop errors in the post.
• ~ When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.