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Life's Truisms

The 'Phone Always Rings When You're In The Bath
  • ~ A bore is some one who persists in holding his opinion even after I've enlightened him with mine.

  • ~ When every thing is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

  • ~ If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments.

  • ~ Repairmen have the inbuilt ability to call just when you have popped out for two minutes.

  • ~ Toast will not brown while you are watching it. Glance away and it turns into smoking charcoal.

  • ~ Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

  • ~ If you want visitors ~ don't vacuum.

  • ~ Experience is only gained after you need it.

  • ~ Bills travel twice as fast as cheques.

  • ~ The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

  • ~ Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate.

  • ~ Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

  • ~ Success usually occurs in private and failure in public.

  • ~ Friends are people who like you even after they get to know you.
"Whatever you are, be a good one."
-Abraham Lincoln

"The ability to ask the right question is more than half the battle of finding the answer."
-Thomas Watson

"When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt."
-Henry Kaiser

"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect."
-Margaret Mitchell

"Success is the sum of smart efforts, repeated day in and day out."
-Robert Collier

"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."
-Thomas Edison
  • ~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  • ~ A wife starts off by saying " I love everything about you", spends the next twenty years changing you then says, "you're not the man I married".

  • ~ The trouble with doing something right the first time is that no one appreiates how difficult it was.

  • ~ Hard work may pay off in the future but laziness pays off now.

  • ~ The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

  • ~ A clear conscience is often a sign of a poor memory.

  • ~ Children are not very good at listening to their elders, but have no hesitation in copying them.

  • ~ The people in country music songs are always in a worse position than you.

  • ~ Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

  • ~ If you want something done, ask a busy man.

  • ~ Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

  • ~ Anything that can become tangled around something else will.

  • ~ Things only go wrong at the last moment.

  • ~ It's lovely to be silly at the right moment.

  • ~ A conscience it what hurts when the rest of you feels good.

  • ~ 99% of visitors do not Sign My Guestbook.


Workplace Truisms

  • ~ Nothing is fool-proof. There are some very talented fools out there.

  • ~ People don't usually look for truth. Just some one to agree with them.

  • ~ There are 8 women who are supermodels and 3 billion who are not.

  • ~ You don't own a cat. It adopts you.

  • ~ Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

  • ~ Tell a man that the universe is 600 billion light years wide and he'll believe you. Tell him the paint is wet and he'll have to touch it.

  • ~ The reason some people are alive is because it's illegal to shot them.

  • ~ The easiest way to find something you've lost is to buy a replacement.

  • ~ Confidence is what you feel before you understand the situation.

  • ~ Life doesn't just begin at forty, it's also when it begins to show.

  • ~ The harder the butter the softer the bread.

  • ~ Anyone who says "it's as easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried.

  • ~ You can always think up a great retort five minutes after you need it.

  • ~ No one listens until you make a mistake.

  • ~ Nothing travels faster than bad news.

  • Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

  • The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

  • Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

  • I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

  • I got a sweater for Christmas, I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

  • I see your IQ test results were negative.

  • Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while you are driving.

  • Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

  • If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.

  • I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.

  • If men can have ESPN then women can have PMS.

  • I have learned there is little difference in husbands, so you might as well keep the first one.

  • There are two sides to every divorce: yours and whatshisname's.

  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

  • Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date.

  • I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

  • Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

  • No one ever says, It's only a game, when their team is winning.

  • Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

  • If carrots are so good for your eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

  • How come we choose from just two people for president, and 50 for Miss America?

  • Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

  • On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was, surrounded by trees and bushes.

  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

  • Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  • Marriage changes passion, suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

  • I mixed Rogaine with Viagra, now I've got hair like Don King.

  • I just got back from a pleasure trip, I drove my husband to the airport.

  • My husband and I were happy for twenty years, then we met.