Katie's Cat Guidelines ~

~ How To Train Your Human ~ And Other Useful Things A Cat Should Know ~

Some humans are so misguided that they actually believe that they own us.

They seem to have forgotten that thousands of years ago we were worship as gods ~ however, we never have. But this is only to be expected from a species that can't even move their ears independantly. The seem unable to acknowledge the fact that cats obey no rules but our own.

When taking possession of a new house and family the following points should be bourne in mind ~

Humans have three main functions;

• [1] To feed us. [2] To play with us. [3] To pay attention to us.

On arrival quickly locate the following:

• ~ The kitchen ~ a rich source of food and warmth. Remember that anything edible that hits the floor, is left out on worktops or is cool enough to touch is meant for you.
• ~ The litter tray ~ it's important that you train your human to clean this as often as possible. If you think they need help it's quite acceptable to assist by shovelling the contents out of the tray ~ they will be grateful for your help.
• ~ Your main sleeping area ~ your humans bed, the best position is generally the centre groove between their legs. This ensures that they can't turn over when sleeping and disturb your well-deserved rest.

Some things to practice:

• ~ The meaningful stare ~ useful when your food bowl is empty and can be used in conjuction with a small meeow.
• ~ The "I'm so cute" look ~ this is almost certain to result in a cuddle.
• ~ The "butter wouldn't melt in my mouth" look ~ if this is perfected as a kitten it will stand you in good stead in later life if you are accused (unjustly, of course) of some petty misdemeanour.
• ~ The "who me" look ~ similar to the above look but to be used when surrounded by broken china, ripped books or shredded soft toys.
• ~ Napping ~ This is important if you want to be at your most playful best at 5 am. Can be practiced anywhere.

• ~ The Toy Test ~

  ~ Can I eat it? ~ No. Can it eat me? ~ No.

  It's a toy

Dogs are big, ugly, noisy, dirty, smelly things that are totally dependant on humans. They actually allowed themselves to be domesticated and seem to enjoy fetching bits of wood thrown by their owners.

Still, what can you expect from a species with a vocabulary consisting of three words ~ growl, woof and bark?

However, they do tend to be a lot bigger than we are so the following dog baiting techniques should be used with caution.

• ~ "The Chase Me" technique ~ useful for small dogs and puppies. You chase the dog around the room, making sure that your human is not able to see what's going on.
  
  Make as much noise as possible but be alert to your humans' approach. Just before they enter the room, reverse direction so it seems the dog is chasing you. If your timing is right the result will be: attention and cuddles for you, and a scolding or possible banishment for the dog.

• ~ "The You Can't Get Me" technique ~ useful if the dog's outside and you're inside. Sit on the window ledge until the dog sees you. Either walk up and down hissing and making faces at him or sit glaring at him whilst you preen yourself. The dog will probably be dumb enough to hurl himself impotently at the window.
  
  This should result in more attention for you from your human, the dog being reduced to a quivering nervous wreck and general satisfaction all round. If, however, the dog is allowed back into the house, be prepared to hide until his smaller, inferior brain forgets the incident.

~ Visitors ~

Visitors your human receives can provide you with a rich source of fun and hours of enjoyment.

• ~ When they visit the toilet make sure you get there before them and hide behind the toilet bowl.
  
  Timing is important here. When you see a large amount of bare flesh above you, unsheath your claws and run them gently along the exposed flesh.
  
  The results will be outstanding but be prepared to use the "who me?" look you've been perfecting.

• ~ If you hear the visitor say "but I'm a dog person" (yes, some strange people actually prefer dogs), do not tolerate this.
  
  Make your prime targets tights, ankles, bald spots and light coloured clothing. This is where the "I'm so cute" look comes into play. Lie in front of them looking either cute and adorable, or forlorn and sorrowful until they try to pick you up.
  
  Now's your chance!Nip the ankle, trying your best to snag the tights or socks, leap on to their shoulders and use their bald patch as a lauch pad to leap onto the curtains.
  
  As an extra bonus try to ensure that there's a cup of hot tea close to them so they can spill it onto the carpet or themselves.

• ~ If you hear a visitor utter the magic words "but I'm allergic to cats", I'm sure you don't need me to tell you what to do. Enjoy yourself.

Some Things To Bear In Mind

• ~ Always sit on the book some one is reading.
• ~ Hair balls look best on thick, light coloured carpets.
• ~ If some one is writing at a desk they love it when you push everything to one side ~ even more so if it all lands on the floor.
• ~ Your human thinks it adorable for you to mark your territory, so oblige them by doing so where it's sure to be spotted quickly. White rugs, bedspreads, clean laundry and the new sofa will please them most.
• ~ Any sitting humans lap is available for you.
• ~ Your human will favour the "direct approach" to being woken up ~ jump on their bladder.
• ~ To protect your human from being disturbed by the alarm clock, streak around the room at top speed and use their bladder region as a springboard to reach the top of the wardrobe. Do this 30 minutes before the alarm is due to go off.

~ Vets ~

~ Strange Humans Who Push Cold Things Up Your Bum ~

They also have a nasty habit of sticking needles in you, trying to force pills down your throat and spraying you with oddly smelling liquids.

Ok, they might make you get well ~ which is good ~ but they also take liberties with your body ~ which is bad.

If you're feeling rotten, resistance is probable futile but there are a couple of things you can do to show your displeasure at being handled in such a high-handed manner. After all, there's a principle involved here!

• ~ Pee on the table.
• ~ Cower pathetically in a corner to make your human feel guilty about bringing you ~ why should you be the only one to suffer?
• ~ Rake any of the vet`s exposed flesh with extended claws ~ your human's paying him to put you through this indignity so you might as well get your money's worth.
• ~ Meoaw loudly in a penetrating screech to upset any other animals in the waiting room ~ with a bit of luck you may cause a riot

Be alert if your human mentions, casually, that they're taking you to the vet. You're feeling fit, fine and healthy so it can only mean one thing:

~ The Dreaded Snip! ~

Action must be taken immeadiatly.

• ~ Hide some where unaccessable.
• ~ Resist all blandishments, offers of food, soft toys, etc.
• ~ Don't believe them when they say "it won't hurt at all". How do they Know? They're not the ones coming back with less than they went with!
• ~ "You'll feel better for it" ~ have it done to yourself, then.

You've let your guard down and now they've got you. This your last chance to use every trick in the feline book.

• ~ Resist all attempts to be put in the cat carrier.
• ~ Splay your legs as wide as possible. At the same time arch your back and turn your head around as far as it will go.
• ~ Don't be afraid to bite the hand that feeds you. It's every girl for herself, here!
• ~ If they succeed in getting you into the carrier hurl yourself from side to side.
• ~ Once in the car, find the slightest hole in the carrier, stick you paw through it and take a mighty swipe at what ever's closest ~ hopefully the back of the drivers' neck.
• ~ If all this fails, and they do manage to get you on to the table, follow the proceedure above concerning peeing, cowering and yowling.
• ~ When it's all over, make a point of peering reproachfully at you human as many times a day as possible.

~ The Cat's Pajamas ~

When God made the world, he put animals in it and decided to give each whatever it wanted. All the animals formed a long line before His throne, and the cat went quitely to the end of the line.

To the elephant and the bear He Gave strength, to the rabbit and deer, swiftness. To the owl, the ability to see at night; to the birds and the butterflies, great beauty: to the fox, cunning, to the monkey, intelligence; to the dog, loyalty; to the lion, courage, to the otter, playfulness. And all these were things the animals asked of God.

At last, He came to the end of the line, and there sat the little cat, waiting patiently.

"And what will YOU have?" God asked the cat.

The cat shrugged modestly. "Oh, whatever scraps You have left over. I don't mind."

"But I'm God. I have everything left over."

"Then I'll have a little of everything, please."

And God gave a great shout of laughter at the cleverness of the small animal and gave the cat everything she asked for, adding grace and elegance, and, only for her, a gentle purr that would always attract humans and assure her a warm and comfortable home.

But He took away her false modesty.

~ Lenore Fleisher

~ The Cats' Credo ~

• ~ Remain individual in the face of conformity.
• ~ Keep independant of those who would own you.
• ~ Always aim to be the first at the food ~ even if it's only yourself you are beating.
• ~ Be positive, encourage the good in yourself and others.
• ~ Grasp opportunities, because they will not grasp you.
• ~ Be driven by the twin engines of hope and optimism.
• ~ Exercise your freedom always.

~ The Cats' Weather Service ~

Go to the door and look for the dog. If the dog is there and he's wet, it's probably raining. If the the dog is standing there and he's really soaking wet, it's probably raining really hard. If the dogs' fur looks like it's been rubbed up the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog out all the time, especially if you're expecting bad weather. sincerely, The Cat.

How To Wash The Cat Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids.(You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.)

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside,where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

01. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

02. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

03. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

04. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

05. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

06. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

07. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

08. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

09. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.

Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give Your Dog A Pill:

01. Wrap it in bacon.

I came across this on the net and have no idea who wrote it.

~ A Cats View Of Creation ~

On the first day, God created the Cat.
On the second day, God created Man to serve the Cat.
On the third day, God created the rest of the animals as potential food for the Cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that Man could labour for the good of the Cat.
On the fifth day, God created the glitter ball so that the Cat could play with it ~ or not.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Cat healty and the Man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to clean the litter tray.