He to She Translations

What We Say ~ But What We Really Mean

When She Says....	She Really Means....
That was great, the best ever.	About time the ceiling was repainted.
Does my bum look fat in this?	Pause to think before you say no, of course not, and you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate.	Just as long as you agree with me.
It's your decision.	The correct decision should be obvious even to you.
Do what you want.	You'll pay for this later.
What we need is	What I want is
Course I'm not upset.	Course I'm upset, you halfwit.
You're so...manly.	You stink of sweat and need a shave.
You're very attentive tonight.	Is sex all you can think about?
We need to talk.	I need to complain.
Sure...carry on.	I don't want you to do that.
Do you love me?	I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?	I hope you don't already know what I did today.
Let's be romantic, turn off the lights.	My thighs are flabby.
I think I heard a noise.	I noticed that you were nearly asleep.
I'm almost ready.	Put your feet up and watch the game on tv.
Yes/no/maybe,	No,no,no.
Of course size isn't important.	If you believe that, you'll believe anything.
Pizza's fine.	Cheapskate.
It's a girls night out.	We're going to get drunk and discuss you in intimate detail.
Of course there's no one else.	I'm doing your brother.
I don't want to talk about it.	Go away ~ I'm still collecting evidence against you.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.

When he says....	He really means....
I'm not lost. Any fool can read a map.	I've no idea where we are and we'll never be seen alive again.
I really want to get to know you as person	So we can do what I've already told my friends we're doing.
I don't need to read the instructions.	I'm quite capable of screwing it up without printed help.
Sweetheart, you know I love you.	Hope you never find out what I've been up to.
Sweetheart, you know I REALLY love you	There's no way you won't find out what I've been up to.
Of course I help around the house.	I once put a dirty sock in the laundry basket.
You look gorgous.	Please don't try on any more dresses, I'm starving.
I'm going fishing with the boys.	Four grown men are going to get very drunk and make complete asses of ourseves.
Of course I remember last night.	What did you say your name was again?
We share the housework.	I make the mess, you clear it up
I miss you so much.	There's no clean socks, the kids are hungry and I've flooded the kitchen.
I can't find it.	It didn't leap at me shouting "here I am!"
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.	Call the emergency services and put them on stand-by.
You wouldn't understand how it works.	I have no idea how it works.
Do you want any help with dinner?	Why isn't it on the table yet?
It's a man thing.	There's no rational thought or pattern behind it.
That's interesting, dear.	I've no idea what you've just said.
Of course I've been listening.	Of course I haven't been listening.
What did I do this time?	What did you catch me doing?

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Rejection Lines	And What They Really Mean
We seem to want different things from this relationship.	The nun's outfit and the donkey was the last straw.
I just want to be friends.	There's no way any part of your body will ever touch any part of mine.
We're moving too quickly.	I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if that guy in accounts has a girlfriend.
I've got a boyfriend.	So what if he's battery operated?
I'm not attracted to you in that way.	You are the ugliest son of a bitch I've ever laid eyes on.
There's a slight difference in our ages.	Why not give my granny a ring? She's desperate.
It's not you, it's me.	It's not me, it's you.
I think of you as a brother.	You look like that in-bred banjo player in "Deliverance."
I like you but..	I don't like you.
I don't go out with men I work with.	I don't like sharing the same planet with you, let alone the same office.
I'm sorry it's over but I know you'll find some body else.	I just hope she's a Bobbet snipping Harpie from the planet Bitch.
I don't want a boyfriend just now.	I don't want you as a boyfriend.
I'm concentrating on my career.	As dull, boring and empty as it is, it's still better than dating you.
I'm celibate.	But only with men like you.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.