The Battle of the Sexes

~ Men ~ An Owners Manual ~

~ Some Important Things About Men ~

~ Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

~ Psychoanalysis is quicker for men because when it's time to go back to our childhood we're already there.

~ Men do come with instructions, it's just that they're written in Pig Latin.

~ All men would really like to own a train set.

~ The reason it's so difficult for a woman to find a man who is sensitive, caring and good looking is because he already has a boyfriend.

~ A lot of men see marriage as a way of getting maid service for free.

~ Men and women were created equal, it's just that women continued to evolve.

The Male Ego

A man likes a phone with lots of buttons. It makes us feel important. ~

~ Men don't get lost but sometimes we like to explore alternative desinations. ~

~ We must be the first to read the newspaper in the mornings. Not being the first is upsetting to our psyches. ~

~ Men are self-confident because we grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have a poor self-image because they grow up identifying with Barbie. ~

~ Never trust a man who says that he's the boss at home ~ he'll probably lie about other things as well. ~

~ We tend to view life as a competition. If some one is better at something than we are, we pretend it's not important. ~

~ The reason Moses wandered the desert for 40 years because he refused to ask directions.

~ If you're a watch as a present for a man make sure it has mutliple functions. For example: a combination of address book, Swiss Army knife and piano. ~

Some Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

~ While I'm up, can I get anything for you? ~

~ No, I don't want another beer. I have work tomorrow. ~

~ I think we're lost. Let's ask for directions. ~

~ I'm really ill, but don't worry ~ I can fend for myself. ~

~ Her boobs are too big. ~

~ We haven't been shopping for ages ~ let's go looking for a new carpet. ~

~ I think Barry Manilow's a groovin' sex machine. ~

~No, I insist. You cleaned the oven last week. Now it's my turn. ~

~ This movie has too much nudity. ~

~ Forget the football ~ let's talk about feelings. ~

~ I understand... ~

WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST?

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay..... get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that's favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive sod.

If you make a decision without consulting her......... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you...... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't..........there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

How Men And Dogs Are Similar

~ Both take up to much space on the bed.

~ Neither can tell you what's bothering them.

~ Both have an irrational fear of the vacuum cleaner.

~ The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

~ Both are threatened by their own kind.

~ Both enjoy mindless games.

~ Both have obsessions about cats.

~ Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

~ Both are suspicious of men who come to the door.

~ Neither cleans the dishes, or the house.

~ Both like dominance games.

~ Neither of them notice when you get your hair done.

~ Both mark and protect their territory.

~ Both are shamelessly smelly.

Men Are Like

Blenders ~ you know you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Babies ~ cute at first but you soon get tired of cleaning up after them.

Coffee ~ the best types are rich and warm and can keep you going all night.

Colds ~ you can never get rid of a bad one in a hurry.

Copiers ~ you need them for reproduction...but that's about it.

Dawn ~ full of promise, but usually turn out to be the same old routine.

Diamonds ~ in their natural state they are rough and ugly. If you want them polished you have to do it yourself.

Fish ~ they get themselves into trouble because they can't keep their mouths shut.

Horoscopes ~ they tell you what to do ~ and are usually wrong.

Lava lamps ~ fun to watch but not all that bright.

Mascara ~ difficult to handle...and runs at the first sign of emotion.

Mini skirts ~ if you're not careful they will creep up your legs.

Place mats ~ they only show up when food's on the table.

Remote controls ~ simple and easy to use, and usually found lying near the tv.

Soap operas ~ fun to watch but you can't believe a word you hear.

Spray paint ~ one squeeze and they are all over you.

TVs ~ you can turn them on instantly.

Vacuum cleaners ~ not much fun, but at least you can push them around.

Wine ~ made by stamping the raw material and keeping it in the dark until it matures.

Why Beer Is Better Than A Woman ~

~ We don't have to wine and dine a beer.

~ A beer will wait patiently in the car.

~ Beer doesn't get jealous if we grab another beer.

~ When we go to a pub, we always know we can pick up another beer.

~ A frigid beer is a good beer.

~ Beer looks just as good in the morning.

~ Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.

~ Beer is never overweight.

~ If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

~ A beer doesn't want you to hold it after you've finished.

~ A beer is always ready to leave on time.

~ Beer doesn't mind the football season.

~ Comments, Observations and Insights ~

A husband is what left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted. ~ Helen Roland

The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man. ~ Jo Brand

Scratch a lover, and find a foe. ~ Dorothy Parker

Ask him the time and he'll tell you how the watch was made. ~ Jane Wyman

Foreplay is like beefburgers ~ three minutes each side. ~ Victoria Wood ~

The only way to get rid of cockroaches is to tell them you want a long term relationship. ~ Jasmine Birtles

A hard man is good to find. ~ Mae West

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible. ~ Margaret Mead

You remind me of my brother ~ only he has a human head. ~ Judy Tenuta

The male is a domestic animal, which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~ Jilly Cooper

Whatever women do, they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton ~

I'm Glad I'm A Man Because

~ The queues are always 90% shorter for our toilets
~ I only need one suitcase for a weeks holiday.
~ I can open all my own jars.
~ My bum isn't a factor at job interviews.
~ All my orgasms are real.
~ My friends don't care if I lose or gain weight.
~ I know stuff about tanks.
~ I can kill my own food.
~ I get extra brownie points for the sightest act of thoughtfulness.
~ I can be up, showered and shaved and ready to go in 15 minutes.
~ I don't have to shave below my neck.
~ Chocolate does not produce feelings of guilt.
~ Two pairs of shoes is more than enough.
~ I get to think about sex 90% of my waking hours.
~ I can take off my shirt on a hot day.
~ Unwashed and with a three day growth of stubble I still think I'm irresistable.

Some Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman

~ You never have to buy your own drinks.
~ You can get out of speeding tickets by crying.
~ You're not expected to know how cars work.
~ You don't have to worry about losing your hair.
~ You always get to choose the movie.
~ You don't have to mow the lawn.
~ You never have to use a power drill.
~ You get gifts all the time because men mess up a lot.
~ You don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
~ You look better naked than men.
~ You can dance.
~ You look good in shorts.
~ You don't have to give back expensive jewellery you've received as gifts.
~ You are better gossips.
~ You can wear no underwear without being thought of as disgusting.
~ You have mastered eating in mixed company.

~ Things Not To Say To Him Whilst Making Love ~

You look just your dad.

Did you remember to lock the back door?

The ceiling needs painting.

And to think, I was really hoping to get picked up by your friend!

You carry on, I'll just finish this book.

It's my mobile! I must answer it.

Oh, by the way, I scratched your car this afternoon.

Steve used to do that.

I've thought of the answer to 5 down. Hang on, I won't be a sec.

Sorry about that ~ must be the baked beans.