You're The Reason Are Kids Are So Ugly

The Best Of The Worst Country and Western songs.

In Memory of John Denver ~ 31st Dec. 1943 ~ 12th Oct. 1997
I hope you, and friends and your old lady are sitting round a campfire, and every body's high, high, high.

All these are real song titles.

• You're the reason our kids are so ugly.
• Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life.
• Get your tongue outta my mouth 'cause I'm kissing you goodbye.
• Her teeth were stained but her heart was pure.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• I wanna whip your cow.
• I don't know whether to kill myself or go bowling.
• I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
• I would have wrote you a letter but I couldn't spell yuck.
• I flushed you from the toilets of my heart.
• I'm just a bug on the windshield of life.
• I wouldn't take her to a dawg fight 'cause I'm afraid she'd win.
• If my nose were full of nickels I'd blow them all on you.
• Mama get the hammer, there's a fly on papa's head.
• My head hurts, my feet stink and I don't love Jesus.
• My wife ran off with my best friend and I sure do miss him.
• Oh, there's hair oil on my ears and my glasses are slipping down, but baby I can see through you.
• Pardon me, I've got some one to kill.
• You're A Cross I Can't Bear
• It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
• I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
• I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
• You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
• She got the gold mine and I got the shaft.
• She got the ring and I got the finger.
• They may put me in prison but they can't stop my face from breaking out.
• You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd.
• You were only a splinter as I slid down the bannister of life.
• I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2 Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
• Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
• Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
• You're A Cross I Can't Bear
• It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
• I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
• I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
• You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
• Heaven's Just A Sin Away
• If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
• You done tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

These lists has been making the internet rounds:

The Top 15 Jewish Country and Western Song Titles

• I Was One Of The Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)
  
  Honky Tonk Nights On The Golan Heights
  
  I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
  
  My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight
  
  New Bottle Of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
  
  Stand by Your Mensch
  
  Eighteen Wheels And A Dozen Latkes
  
  I Balanced Your Books, But You're Breakin' My Heart
  
  My Darlin's A Schmendrick And I'm All Verklempt
  
  That Shiksa Done Made Off With My Heart Like A Goniff
  
  The Second Time She Said "Shalom", I Knew She Meant "Goodbye"
  
  You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'
  
  You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since That Rabbi Came To Town
  
  Why Don't We Get Drunk? We're Jews!
  
  Mamas Don't Let Their Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When You Could Very Easily Have Taken Over The Family Hardware Business That My Own Father Broke His Back To Start And Your Father Sweated Over For Forty Five Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything To You Now That You're Turning Your Back On Such A Gift To Ride Around All Day On Some Meshuggenah Horse)

These aren't real either...
The Top 13 Rejected Country and Western Song Titles

• The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and Our Nine Kids Are Gone
  
  You Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can't Take the Bullets Outta That Liberal City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off in His Saab
  
  Smells Like Team Roping
  
  I Dropped the Bookcase On My Darlin' and Pleaded Shelf Defense
  
  (Her Bar Tab Is a) Leading Economic Indicator
  
  I Thought I Had Tourette's, But I Just Like Talkin' Dirty To You
  
  You're My Kleenex of Love, and I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Blow It
  
  Bacon and Eczema For Two
  
  Achy, Breaky, Hanky, Panky, Am I Drunk or Are You Skanky?
  
  The Ballad of Pretty Mouth Dan
  
  My Urine is A-Burnin', and You'd Better Believe I'm Pissed
  
  Tearstains on My Pillow Are the Only Wet Spots in My Bed
  
  I Can't Stop Thinkin' About Cowboys (And I'm a Cowboy, Too)

So..You Want To Be A Country Star?

There's no hard and fast rules to achieving stardom but the following may help.

• Come from some where that no one has ever heard of ~ preferably from a place were the definition of a virgin is "she who can run faster than her uncle."
• Having a criminal record is virtually a must, as long as it's for something serious like armed robbery or murder, and the sentence has to be served in a place like San Quintin. Of course, if you shot a man in Denver just to watch him die, and he then recovered, it's best not to mention it. Time served for non-payment of parking fines is not acceptable.
• Family must be dirt-poor and contain at least five kids. If your father's a coalminer and your mother a part-time prostitute, this can only help.
• Having big boobs and a taste for low cut dresses will draw attention away from your vocal talents. Quite often, not a bad thing.
• Try to ensure that there's some major tragedy in the family that you can sing about ~ dad dying when the mine collapses, mama becoming a tramp or the town drunk, your brother being the coward of the county ~ that sort of thing. Freak lipo-suction accidents or being restricted to driving only the imported Jag. and not the Porsche do not count as tragedies.
• Be prepared to spend lots of money to achieve the perfect trashy look.
• Develop a taste for beer and clothing with lots of tassels.
• Have more than one christian name ~ Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob for example. Or change your name to Sue and sing about how you had to fight your whole life through.
• It's best to avoid links to any televangelists as they seem to have a habit of running off with the church's funds,members of their flock or evading their taxes. Sometimes all three.
• If you can reduce your audience to maudlin tears with a few verses about lost loves, broken promises, honky-tonk daughters, lost kittens or unrequited love, you should be well on your way to stardom, the Grand Ole Opry and your own theme park.