Excuses, Excuses.

Next time you need a good excuse DON'T try any of these!

From the Endsleigh Insurance Co.

• The injured person ran across the road, determined to commit suicide.
• The man admitted that the accident was his fault because he had been run over before.
• I had been drinking heavily and don't remember driving.
• In an attempt to kill a wasp I drove into a tree.
• Whilst I was driving along I noticed an elephant and two camels grazing on a grass verge, which caused me to lose my concentration and I hit a bollard.
• The accident was caused by the road bending.
• While I was driving along a girl exposed her breasts to me. When I looked away I hit the van in front.
• The car in the fast lane did not give way when I pulled across from the centre lane.
• I started to slow down but the traffic in front was more stationary than I thought.

Some Excuses From British Rail

• There was a yoghurt pot stuck to the rail.
• The driver's legs are too short.
• Passengers should get up earlier.
• We can't find a driver.
• The cab was infested with fleas.
• We wish to apologise most sincerely to the passengers who have recently arrived on the Royal Highlander from Inverness. Your train was delayed for several hours due to a locomotive failure near Drumochter. Then the overhead wires came down near Wigan, so your train was diverted via Manchester. A passenger was taken ill, causing the train to have to wait for an ambulance to arrive at Stockport. Finally, you were diverted via Northampton, due to signalling equipment failure south of Rugby!
• We're lost.
• Wrong kind of snow.
• Rioting football supporters on train.
• Running on one power car .
• Shortage of trains in the West Country.
• Signalling fault.
• Signalman's decided to send us down a non-electrified line.
• Signalman's decided to send us via the branch instead of the main line.
• Slippery rails all over the country (given at Surbiton)
• There will be no further trains due too a giraffe becoming entangled in the overhead wires (given at Fenchurch Street during a particuly bad evening.)
• Theft of cables.
• This service is delayed due to the train catching fire on its previous journey.
• This train is delayed as the guard has been taken away by the police. We hope to find you another one in half an hour.

School Notes.

When our son, Philip, was at school any absences had to be explain by a note on the day of return.

As I thought that the teachers must get pretty bored with the same excuses such as: toothache, headaches, upset stomach, et al, I used to send in, to my wife's disapproval and son's delight, such gems as Philip missed school yesterday because:

• he was attacked by a swarm of killer bees and had to jump in the canal to escape.or
• Mercury was ascending in Uranus and the aspect did not bode well for study.Or
• Phil had a dream that he was eating a giant marshmallow. As we couldn't find his pillow we took him for an x-ray.

Oddly enough, nothing was ever said about my efforts to brighten up the teachers day, but I did get a few odd looks on Parent's Evenings.

Excuses Given At The Rover Plant, Birmingham

• I'm sorry I didn't come in to work yesterday. I thought it was Saturday so I didn't get up.
• The reason I was late on Monday was because the 7.30 bus came at 7.15, so I missed it.
• I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.
• My car ran out of petrol on the way to work. I was pushing it to a petrol station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
• My mother forgot to wake me so I slept in.
• I won't be into work next Friday, I think I'll have a sore throat.
• Called in on Tuesday I won't be able to come to work for the rest of the week. My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication. So I need the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore .
• I was late because someone moved the diversion sign.
• I've caught sleeping sickness after camping in Burundi.
• The dog ran off with my underpants so I had to find another pair.
• There's no way these are my expenses, somebody's trying to frame me.

A lover with no indiscretion is no lover at all. Thomas Hardy.

Women are naturally more monogamous than men. It's a biological necessity. C.S.Lewis.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love. H.L Menchen.

Excuses Given To Debt Collection Agency Becker and Stevens

• My aunt should be dying soon and I know she'll be leaving me some money. I'll pay you then.
• The cat ate my cheque.
• My electricity is out because of Hurricane George so I can't find my cheque book.
• It was a windy day and I was mowing the lawn. The cheque fell out of my pocket and went under the mower blades.
• Our guarantor was the Prime Minister of Tonga and their government has just been overthrown.
• I couldn't pay the debt because I had to hire a hitman to take you out.
• My book-keeper had an accident. She was trying to put on a sports bra, sprained her neck, and now has to wear a cervical coller, so she can't look down to sign cheques.
• I've been in a coma for ten years.
• Er..was that the bill?