-
~ Have a really annoying sound file load and play on an
endless loop. Make sure it can't be
switched off.
-
~ Put in lots of Java script effects like auto-scrolling
pages. For that extra annoying touch make sure
you set the scrolling to be slightly faster
than a comfortable reading speed.
-
~ How about those nice scroll bars? How annoying that that
they only work with Internet Explorer...
-
~ Trailing effects on the mouse pointer are really cute ~
for the first three seconds ~
especially if they act as a
gateway for spy ware.
-
~ Disable my back button
~ thanks for trying hold me at your site and for thinking that
I'm too stupid to use my history function.
-
~ Slow down the load speed
~ put a really big image on your page, a 200k picture of your
cat, for example. To slow it down even more don't
bother with the alt., height and width
commands; after all everybody's got a
broadband connection, haven't they? This also ensures
that I have to wait for my cheapo browser
to load the image before any text becomes
visible. Whatever you do, do not run the images through an image reducer to speed up loading times.
-
~ Use an animated, tiled background
~ then add lots of animated gifs, bullets, flashing buttons
and neon bars and dividers.
-
~ Make sure that you design your site for a specific
browser
~ tell your visitors that so they can spend the next hour
downloading your version of the browser. On
no account should you test your site at
somewhere like
Any Browser
, or
Doctor HTML
.
-
~ Get your visitors to install your favourite plug-ins.
Tell them that they have to download
and install these before they can see
your site as in all it's full glory.
You love those comet cursors, and they
will too! On no account should you
mention that many of these oh so cool
programs will also install "spyware" on your
visitors' computers.
-
~ Design your site to be read at a width of 1200
~ completely ignore the fact that most of your visitors will
have a screen size of 800 x 600 and Web-Tv users
have an even smaller screen resolution.
Setting your screen size as wide as
possible will ensure that at least a third of your
page is not visible without a lot of
side-to-side scrolling.
-
~ Assume that anyone coming to your site knows it as well
as you do.
Don't bother with descriptive navigation links such as
The Desiderata & Footprints
, or
Excuses, Excuses
. Just list them as
Page 1
, or
Page 2
, etc. To be extra annoying, don't check your links.
-
~ Under Constuction
~ A great way to get people to say goodbye to your site, get
them to follow a link only to find that there's
nothing there. Make sure that you include
one of those cute animated construction
images, just to make certain your visitors get
the point
-
~ Have a big Flash intro
~ and make sure that it can't be skipped.
-
~ Put all your awards on your homepage
~ after all, every one will be fascinated by the fact that
you've got 27 awards for the best gerbil
site. Also another great way to slow down
loading and to provide a link out of your
site.
-
~ Use lots of frames
~ search engines won't index them and a lot of older browser
can't handle them. Don't bother with the simple code
to remove the annoying edge.
-
~ Totally ignore the KISS principle
~ the Keep It Simple, Stupid principle works in most other
fields and all of the good page designers
pay heed to it in a greater or lesser
degree. Just ignore it and assume that all
your visiters have the time, the interest and
the equipment to explore your site fully.
-
~ Don't bother about line breaks
~ bear in mind that a vast amount of text is far more annoying
to read if it's in one very long column with no line
breaks or paragraphs.Put everything on one long
continuous page!
-
~ Everybody loves pop-ups and pop-unders so add a few of your
own to give your visitors something to do and they
may not notice your sites' lack of content.
It will also keep them busy trying to close as
many windows as possible. An extra annoying
touch is to design ones that spawn even more
pop-up windows when your visitors tries to use
the mouse to close the window.
-
~
T
y
P
e
L
I
k
e
ThIs
because not only is it annoying to read, it looks like you
have some mental disadvantage.
