PREZNIT DUBYA'S STEAK OF THE ONION ADDRESS

VOTER'S DIGEST CONDENSED MILK VERSION

Preznit Dubya wends his way through the crowd, shaking hands and grinning maniacally. He grasps the lecturn firmly and focuses on the crowd

Hello. My name is George Dubya Bush, and I'm an alco-

SCREEEEEEE! "This is a scheduled test of the emergency broadcast network. All is well and the Terror Alert is Condition Yellow." Thirty-seven seconds later, the SOTUA continues.

Mister Speaker, Mister Equalizer, Mister FM Receiver, my fellow 'mericans: Welcome to the Terrordome.

Thunderous standing ovation

So... how 'bout them TROOPS?! The good news is that they are only getting killed at a rate of four a day. Ain't that Great?

Course, that's not counting the 20,000 Iraq civilians killed or injured. Jus' keep remindering yourself of the words of General Tommy Franks, US Central Command “We don’t do body counts”

Much whooping, stomping, hollering and firing of small arms.

How 'bout that HOMELAND?! How 'bout them warrantless searches?!

We can all look forward to a society where we can take anything we want, search or detain whoever we like, respect nothing nature has to offer, suffer no ramifications, and do it all on someone else's tab. No competition. No sportsmanship. No fairness. Zero respect. No reverence. YEAH!

Rapturous eruption of patriotic applause. Republicans hoot, Democrats look around, puzzled as Dubya shows his patented hunting method, wherein you make a little gun shape with your thumb and index finger, sit back, "aim" then shout "Bang!"

The 'conomy is rockin again... cuz'a my TAX CUTS! Yeah! Give it up for the 'conomy!

We've finally got rid of that nasty ol' Clinton's $127 billion surplus and turned it into a $374 billion deficit. That's half a trillion dollars difference, folks. Yet another first for my 'ministration; this year's deficit is on course to be the biggest in United States history.

I'm proud to say that each US citizen's share of the national debt is now $23,920. They said it couldn't be done but I've done it! So, give it all up for the 'conomy!

Republicans rise and cheer, Democrats look on, amazed at this display of mathematical acumen

We must educate our kids smarter. No child can be left behind… unless they can't keep up! No Child Left Behind is part of my tax cuts for the rich, the energy laws for my best buds, the oil wars for the well-off. Someone has to care for the privileged cuz no society can have winners without lots and lots of losers. No Child Left Behind will provide the new worker drones that will clean the toilets at the Yale Alumni Club, punch the cash registers colour-coded for illiterates, and pamper the winner-class on the higher floors of the new economic order.

Cue video of bored-looking kid who forgets to applaud.

We must drug our old people. Half off prescription drugs for America's deserving old!

Cue video of vaguely insulted-looking spinster.

You have a choice, America. You can either turn around now - turning back the clock on everything my administration has achieved over the past three years - or you can join me in staying the bold new course I have charted into the choppy waters of our collective future.

Confused mumbling and angry muttering.

The terrorist attacks of September 11 happened over two years ago, but make no mistake, I will continue to milk the death and destruction for a long time to come. Make no mistake in the fact that I will constantly use vague, unproven statements and harp on about each and every one of you still being in grave, personal danger because parts of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. are set to expire next year.

Democrats cheer the idea of freedom's return.

But the terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. The U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. must be permanentized! The Constitution be damned!

Republicans cheer the idea of continued fear-mongering and total loss of liberty.

Pipeline-istan is all better now, since we kicked much Taliban ass. It's awesome there now! We fixed it!

Dozens of Afghans pause from digging their children's graves to spit into the dirt at the sound of Dubya's voice.

The fact that I lied us into a war with Iraq is an inconsequentiary. I mean, I caught Saddam! I got rid of the Baathists! I made the Middle East a safer, better place! For diplomacy to be effective, wild threats of unprovoked violence must be credible. No one can now doubt that George Bush's America is willing to do and say whatever it takes to get what it wants, by any means necessary. Ends and means, supply and demand… it all boils down to oil - I mean values!

Several Republicans pop blood vessels shrieking their approval of Bush's rhetoric, here.

Our troops sure are swell! Troops, troops, troops! GO TROOPS!!!

Windows shake and tremble at the cacaphonic response to Dubya's entreaty.

Democrats can't protect you from the terror-monsters like I can. Remember, 9/11 - just like the first World Trade Center bombing - was all Bill Clinton's fault.

Republicans start howling at the moon and several drop writhing to the floor and start speaking in Tongues.

To those of you who are concerned about how the rest of the world views America, about our deteriorating relationship with historic allies, I say this… Screw the United Nations! Screw the rest of the world! We're Number One, and we'll do whatever the hell we want to! Don't mess with Texas!!!

Dennis Hastert screams so hard he starts puking blood - a pale and waxy Cheney looks away.

We're bringing democracy to the Middle East, whether they want it or not. To counteract the hateful propaganda of the Evil Doers, I am earmarking a bajillion dollars to flood media markets in that part of the world with propaganda of our own. Viva Radio Free Dubya!

A mariachi band plays the first two bars of 'La Cucaracha,' then stops.

We got jobs today that no American wants to do in America… at least, not for two dollars an hour they don't. That's why we need immigrints. But we already got immigrints. So I figured out a way we could use them immigrints - maybe even have 'em fight all our upcoming wars for us - on the cheap! My temporary Ameri-Mexican exchange program will help lower the expectations of our own working poor by plunging them into a vast, shadowy darkness. It's a hard task, but it's one that I'm up to.

I have instructed the Labor Department to make changes to the 1938 Fair Labor Standards Act that will allow employers to reclassify over a million low-wage workers out of their overtime pay eligibility. Wotta guy I hear you say.

And to show our support for decent, hardworking Americians, my God's Own Party has decided to outsource many of our Republican Party jobs to India. I told ya I create new jobs and am proud to say that we've just created 1900 new jobs in Chennai, India.

Republicans don't know what to think about that one, but they cheer regardless.

Medicines and doctors is good. Malpractice lawsuits is bad. That's why I'm proposing we do away with the so-called "pain and suffering" concept and set the value of a human life at $750,000... max. This will help simplify the malpractice process, allowing doctors to get out of the court-room and back into the operating room where they can keep making the world a better place for us non-doctors.

Past victims of catastrophic malpractice do the math, then shake their heads.

Drugs is bad. Believe me, I should know. Although America’s drugs policies don’t work my ministration want more of the same even though drugs have never been easier to get in the United States, with prices lower, purity higher and experimentation among schoolchildren as rampant as ever.

That's why I want every child in America to piss in a cup. That way, we can make sure children are drug-free before pushing them through metal detectors on their way to overcrowded classrooms where they're taught by underpaid teachers who are forced to teach an arbitrary, unfocussed, federally-mandated curriculum.

Teachers across the nation throw foam bricks at their TV screens.

I promise to stamp out steroids! I promise to stop teenagers from having sex! I promise to stop judges from letting gay people get married by ramming through an unconstitutional and unnecessary constitutional amendment! I promise to give your tax money to Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and the Church of Scientology!

Republican cheering reaches rock-star fever pitch while the Democrats sit on their hands, Zell Miller excepted.

Never mind whether you're better off than you were four years ago. What you need to ask yourself is, are you more fearful than you were four years ago? Do you watch what you say now? Are you reluctant to express your true feelings about the government to friends and family because you're worried about what the government might think about what you think about the government? You are?

Good. Cuz that's exactly the way we planned it.

You say that some are worried about the "Homeland" becoming

Unfortunately, the U.S. still has a strong civil society that could, at least in theory, overcome the entrenched interests of the armed forces and the military-industrial complex. I hope, however, that the U.S. has indeed crossed the Rubicon and that there is no way to restore Constitutional government short of a revolutionary rehabilitation of American democracy.

Who cares that without root and branch reform, Nemesis awaits. She is the goddess of revenge, the punisher of pride and arrogance, and the United States is on course for a rendezvous with her. Not me!

Mission accomplished! Let's roll! And may God save the United States of America!

Preznit Dubya Commander-in-Cheetos

GEORGE DUBYA BUSH - You're Kidding, Right?

Like Reagan before him, Dubya is merely a figurehead preznit being manipulated behind the scenes by shadowy forces with sinister ambitions making long-range plans for all of us. Maybe it's his daddy. Maybe it's always been his daddy.

Preznit Dubya is on track to be the first preznit since the Great Depression to have a net loss of jobs during his administration. 2,300,000 lost so far and counting!

George Dubya Bush is the first unelected preznit in the history of the republic. He has yet to be told that he didn't actually win in 2000.

Each and every morning, Preznit Dubya spends an hour praying intensely, his finger hovering scant inches from The Big Red Button. Lucky for us, Jesus has so far been able to "talk him down."

George Dubya Bush is the US's first mentally retarded president.

I don't think that there is any one source that details the full extent of the nefarious perfidy of the Bush administration. The moral and ethical transgressions of this blood-soaked cabal are so multifarious, so brazen, so vast in scope and scale that merely attempting to list them all would make anyone sound like a paranoid lunatic.

Axis of Evil By John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea Axis President George W. Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters , a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II, you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Our is wicked cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia, and Russia established the "Axis of Not so Much Evil as Really Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries that Aren't the Worst but Certainly Won't be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Span established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep To Wear Lipstick." "That's really not a threat, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious President George W. Bush granted approval for most Axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries whose Names End in 'Guay'," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Cost of the War in Iraq

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